Cinderella, the very first version of “The Bachelor.”

My kids don’t really nap anymore (insert exhausted sigh here). In order to buy myself an hour of silence (or a nap) we have quiet time. We lay out a blanket on the floor, they grab their blankets, pillow pets, a snack, and watch a movie. They used to be all in with Pixar, but lately they hare more into old school Disney and princesses, as you can see from last year’s Halloween’s costumes. The times I don’t sleep, listen to O and A, do chores, and actually watch the fucking movie, I have come up with some keen and witty observations about the perky, perfect, and profound Cinderella.

But first off, can we talk about what a mind fuck it is for kids these days to see the credits at the BEGINNING of the movie. Every time we watch an old school animated movie I hear “This is the over part!” No dumbshits children, back in what I like to call “the day”, they used to run the credits at the beginning of the film. Why do you ask? I have no fucking clue. So children in 2013 would ask annoy their parents with MORE god damn questions. Anyway, on with Cinderella.

1. Project Runway is a lot less impressive once you see a bunch of mice and birds sewing.

2. Is it just me or do you think Carson Kressley would make a perfect Fairy Godmother in 2013.

3. Who knew Rich Vos’ first film role was as the carriage driver in Cinderella?

4. The evil stepmother, who is a grade A bitch, and is of course my oldest daughter’s favorite.

5. The cutest thing in the god damn world is your 3 year old playing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo whenever she has anything in her hand that even remotely resembles a wand.

6. Cinderella, the very first version of “The Bachelor.”

7. I think Cinderella was locked in the tower for fucking making clothes for vermin. And not just clothes, fucking shoes also.

8. Apparently Prince Charming’s father is immortal since he comes back to life as Belle’s father in “Beauty and the Beast.”

9. Because of this movie I have a fucking Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo station on Pandora.

10. The women in our family are shoe whores so its no surprise my children love this movie. If only that bitch Cinderellly could keep track of her fucking shoes.