Today, I smiled cheerfully as my neighbor passed by as our paths met as I took my daughter to school. 15 minutes earlier it was Cryfest 2015. As soon as she passed, my conversation with my daughter continued about Shopkins, a new backpack, and her 6yo perspective on life. She’s really a sweet kid, and although I did my best to be present in that world of hers, the tears started again.
Emotion hiding has never been my strong suit, but in cases of social situations, I usually can muster up the regular social graces, the “I’m fine, how are you doing?” the “Things are good! We’re hanging in there”. Usually it’s 75% true, as there’s always something that may not be so good. Also the crying is too easy for me, I’m an emotional person, cry when I’m happy, sad, angry. It’s my go-to thing. I envy those people that can remain stoic and calm in the worst situations. I was chided the other day from my friend, for showing emotion, “Don’t do that. You’ll make me cry, enough!” It’s not that I can help it, it’s stupidly hard for me.
So back to Cryfest 2015, which should just be Cryfest #42 of 2015, as we seem to be repeating this at least once a week. 10yo has a reading log which requires him to answer a question weekly about what he has read. So since we had a very light week last week, he accumulated 2 “responses” which he finished hastily last night.
The responses were about hating school and hurting mom and dad. So it really wasn’t a good answer and usually those answers get negative attention, so I helped him revise it in the morning. However instead of being calm about it, it just brought up all the emotions we have been going through. This kid was in a day treatment center end of last year after he was suicidal, he could not tolerate school and could only take a few hours, so he got up to about 4 periods, and that was hard. He’s doing much better in 5th grade, but it’s still hard, and I can see when he’s going to have a rough day, cause he’s all shut down and angry and just doesn’t want to go to school.
I see the pain in his face, I see the anger he has for school, and I feel helpless. We have a good support system, are doing all the right things, and trying our best to make school tolerable. He has a teacher who is such an advocate for him that I talk to almost every day. My son has an IEP, and a behavior log that keeps us in the loop as how he is doing with school.
I see my other 2 kids be able to get through school so much easier, and I know that it is so hard for him.
I have to choose him as he is.
I have to not think it’s a crisis when he acts out.
I have to remember hope.
I have to remember to not put emotional baggage on him or guilt.
I have to accept him hating school for the rest of his life is ok. Most kids do.
I have to let go, and let him figure it out.
I have to remind him of the things to look forward to.
I have to remember I can’t fix everything, and that I need to learn to let him deal with stuff.
I have to remember that for every breakdown, he will get stronger.
I have to remember that I’m loving the child that will become an amazing empathetic and strong adult.
I have to remember nothing happens overnight.
I have to keep calm and take care of myself.
I have to laugh.
I have to change the name of this blog if I don’t.*
*So if you’d like to guest post to lift the spirits of this funeral of funny, comment below with your email, and I’ll get in touch!