ktfrey1 Archive

A Homeschooling Pest

Photo Aug 29, 7 34 59

Some of you may have noticed (but probably not) I have not been posting much here on Parents for Opie. Nothing personal, I am just working on my other blog. (Please give me some clicks!) Between that and homeschooling my kids I don’t have much time to be witty and bitchy about my life. Trust me tho, I am. You should see the texts to my husband. I guess the main reason I have not been posting because it would just feel phony to me. When Moms posted her back to school post, I figured I should probably write something more parent related than my dumb movie reviews. Opie has been talking a lot about the bullshit parents have to deal with in school. To put it bluntly, my solution to dealing with the school was to avoiding it all together. We homeschool. I don’t have to deal with teachers, other kids, other parents, homework, bullying, school lunches, school cutbacks, and any of the other 1000 things public school kids have to deal with.

That being said, I thought I would fill all you lovely people in our reasons for homeschooling. And to reassure you that I have not, in fact, fallen off the face of the earth. Just busy as fuck and trying not to lose my mind.

I will be the first to admit that I NEVER thought I would be homeschooling my kids. I used to dream about the day both of my kids would be in school. My oldest in kindergarten and my youngest in 3K. A silent house for 3 hours?! Imagine the possibilities!!!! So where did we get this crazy idea? Believe it or not, I got the inspiration from Jim Breuer.  Jim has three daughters and was talking about his preference to homeschool on one of his appearances O and A. I had never thought of homeschooling and he shed a whole new light on it. I studied education in college so I wasn’t ever worried about teaching my children. I was more concerned about social activities because my husband and I are very introverted and don’t know a lot whole of people with kids our age. However, the stereotype of the unsocialized, strange, odd-looking homeschooled kid is gone. To paraphrase Breuer “You don’t lock ’em in a closet.” Kids are constantly around people and there are plenty of opportunities for social activities through your communities Parks and Recreation Department. He made several other great arguments for homeschooling: buying curriculums online, tutors for difficult subjects, no lice, the “need” for cell phones, boys.

Then one of the producers on the show, Danny. You remember Danny right? I miss Danny. Do you miss Danny? Cause I miss Danny. Sigh. I miss Troy too. Anyway, Danny brought up the fact that being in school doesn’t necessarily teach you social skills. The gist of his argument was you go through your school years with a certain amount of kids. For the most part, you are friends with the same kids and don’t really branch out. Basically you really aren’t learning to socialize with anyone new. This was my “aha” moment. I graduated in a class of 65 or so. I was friends with the same kids for most of my life. If anything, school made me more socially awkward.

My husband and I listened to the show (at different times) and had a lot to discuss afterwards. I can still remember texting with him as I was listening. Realizing the social aspect of school wasn’t entirely valid, we realized we didn’t need to send our kids to school just because we were supposed to. We came up with a whole laundry list of reasons why homeschooling would be a good fit for our family.  Here are our 10 main reasons on why we decided to homeschool our kids.

1. Age – My oldest makes the birthday cut off by 4 days. She would either one of the oldest or one of the youngest in her class. Both of which are not entirely good or entirely bad. Which leads us to the next reason.

2. Size/Birth Order – She is TINY and will most likely be that way forever. I mean she is practically imp size. Sorry kid. The Norwegian genes did you no good. My youngest daughter will mostly likely be tall. They get mistaken for twins all the time but at some point Lilly is gonna be taller than her older sister. I can only imagine the annoyance/jealousy this will cause once they get older. Plus they are 18 months apart but would be 2 grades apart.

3. Quality Time – Maryann is a total papa’s girl and once she attends school full-time she will hardly seem him. He works long hours and she would be sleeping by the time he got home in the evening so she could get up at the butt crack of dawn to get to school. She wouldn’t get quality time in the morning because we would be rushing her off to school. For example, one morning this summer, my husband was in the back yard for some reason or another and, naturally, the girls followed him. One of them found a caterpillar walking along our hose. They probably had 10-15 minutes of father-daughter time just observing the caterpillar. It may seem petty or simple but it’s those small moments that are important to us. As Breuer said “spend valuable time talking about real life.”

4. Money – We wouldn’t be able to afford the nice clothes and other things that kids feel they need nowadays. We are very blessed to have an incredible generous family but we can’t assume grandma will buy Lilly a new “Whateverthefuck” tech gadget or name brand jeans or purse she needs to fit in. Homeschooling allows us the opportunity to have less focus on material things and fitting in. And no we are not hippies. Just poor biker trash 🙂

5. Sleep – Today kids are not able to get the proper amount of sleep due to extracurricular activities and homework bullshit. Really,  do first graders need homework? Can’t kids just be fucking kids. Anyway, rushing through our morning routine with crabby children is not the way we want to spend 9 months out of the year.

6. Losing – It seems like today “everybody gets a trophy.” Kids don’t know what it means to lose because they never have lost! I’m not talking full contact football at 2 years old, but for God’s sake can we at least keep score at the 5 year olds soccer games. Teaching kids about winning and losing is teaching them life is not perfect. Life is hard and you need to learn how to pick yourself back up.

7. Individualization – We would like our children’s education to be customized around their strengths and weaknesses. Rather than them sitting in a classroom that is “teaching to the middle” just so they can simply pass a test.

8. Safety – After the tragedy at Newtown Elementary School, I knew I didn’t want my children to go to public school. It was a little too close to home. It may seem overly protective but several schools in our area went into lockdown for threats of some sort. I used to believe the threat of school violence was small, now I’m not so sure.

9. Values and Goals – Our values and goals for our children are simply different from what the public schools can offer our children. We want our kids to learn about art, music, food, nature, and self-reliance. I want us to teach them real life skills like how to do a mortgage or how to fix a toilet. And ultimately helping them learn about their true passion in life.

10. Happiness – We truly believe homeschooling done right is the best thing for our kids because we will get to spend more time together and get to learn together. It seems like as soon as kids get interesting we ship them off to school and we never see them again. We want to be our children’s teachers and educate them about life. “Kids will tell you what they want to learn. They want to learn, just not bullshit.” Jim Breuer

There you have it! Our 10 reasons for homeschooling. Homeschooling is of course not for everyone, but I would strongly urge anyone who is thinking about it to give it a shot! I have not had to wipe one fucking nose this fall. It’s god damn amazing. No fund raisers. No food allergies. No bullying speeches. We are all in on this homeschooling thing. How do you deal with the public schools? Have you ever wanted to say fuck it! and homeschool your kids?

 

 

 

A cynics guide to Peter Pan

I have basically turned into a bitter old lady and can never just enjoy something for what it is. I have to criticize it some way. It’s one of my many faults. So needless to say, when I watched “Peter Pan” AGAIN during quiet time recently, I had a few observations.

1. Why do these rich idiots have a dog for a babysitter? And why do all the kids sleep in the same room? What are they Mexican?

2. I love how the parents leave the windows unlocked when they leave so the kids can be kidnapped like the Lindberg baby.

3. My children are utterly confused by Nana. We have a newfoundland so I told them Nana was a newfie. They looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. They apparently don’t understand that dogs can be different colors but the same breed. Our newfie Tank is black, and Nana is some other fucking color I’m not sure of. Is anyone even reading at this point? I’m sure everyone exited when I mentioned Mexicans.

4. Is Peter Pan a queer? Asexual? An Elf? Fez?

5. I prefer bitchy Tinkerbell to the peppy, perky, annoying bitch in the new movies.

6. I’m sure some asshole college student has written an 15 page paper on the methaphor of Pan chasing his shadow.

7. Who else thinks of a hippie chick at a Dead show when they hear the name Tiger Lilly?

8. Wow. Mermaids are cunts.

9. Honestly. I couldn’t take it anymore and took a nap. Plus I just realized that Nana in the movie is St. Bernard and in the book it’s a Newfie. Fucking bullshit. I’m boycotting this movie. That’s how mature I am!!!

Cinderella, the very first version of “The Bachelor.”

they are a hoot!

My kids don’t really nap anymore (insert exhausted sigh here). In order to buy myself an hour of silence (or a nap) we have quiet time. We lay out a blanket on the floor, they grab their blankets, pillow pets, a snack, and watch a movie. They used to be all in with Pixar, but lately they hare more into old school Disney and princesses, as you can see from last year’s Halloween’s costumes. The times I don’t sleep, listen to O and A, do chores, and actually watch the fucking movie, I have come up with some keen and witty observations about the perky, perfect, and profound Cinderella.

But first off, can we talk about what a mind fuck it is for kids these days to see the credits at the BEGINNING of the movie. Every time we watch an old school animated movie I hear “This is the over part!” No dumbshits children, back in what I like to call “the day”, they used to run the credits at the beginning of the film. Why do you ask? I have no fucking clue. So children in 2013 would ask annoy their parents with MORE god damn questions. Anyway, on with Cinderella.

1. Project Runway is a lot less impressive once you see a bunch of mice and birds sewing.

2. Is it just me or do you think Carson Kressley would make a perfect Fairy Godmother in 2013.

3. Who knew Rich Vos’ first film role was as the carriage driver in Cinderella?

4. The evil stepmother, who is a grade A bitch, and is of course my oldest daughter’s favorite.

5. The cutest thing in the god damn world is your 3 year old playing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo whenever she has anything in her hand that even remotely resembles a wand.

6. Cinderella, the very first version of “The Bachelor.”

7. I think Cinderella was locked in the tower for fucking making clothes for vermin. And not just clothes, fucking shoes also.

8. Apparently Prince Charming’s father is immortal since he comes back to life as Belle’s father in “Beauty and the Beast.”

9. Because of this movie I have a fucking Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo station on Pandora.

10. The women in our family are shoe whores so its no surprise my children love this movie. If only that bitch Cinderellly could keep track of her fucking shoes.

“I went to look at monster.com for fun…. That wasn’t fun… Back to housework and watching the kids. #uselesscollegedegree” @MomsForOpie

First of all, @momsforopie rules. She started this blog, and provides a lot of great parenting links on twitter that don’t include the pros of breastfeeding, rear facing car seats, and the benefits of an anti-gluten, vegan, anti-lactoseseulose diet.

Secondly, I’m back bitches. (No one cares) I always wanted blogging to be a regular thing but had a rough time starting. Blah blah blah you don’t want to hear my excuses. Look for a new post here every Wednesday when I attempt to be provocative and funny. (No one cares) And if you have a second check out my main blog, The Surly Housewife. (No once cares)

Some housewives like to give themselves cutsy little job titles like mommy, domestic engineer, CEO of the Asshole Family, Household management specialist, Chief Home Executive, and my fav Executive Director of Household Management. I am not excluded from this. My employer on fb is titled as Jason Frey Inc. This is purely for my own amusement, to piss of uber feminists, and to elude to the fact that I’m a whore. I sleep with a man for room and board. Too far? I find myself amusing and that is all that matters. To each his own I guess. Along with the annoyingly cutesy job titles, housewives like to list all the other occupations they perform during the long ass fucking days alone with children. However, my translations of these jobs probably won’t lead to a new line of work any time soon.

Hi! I'm Katie and I'm the exeofTheWhoGivesAFuck!
        Hi! I’m Katie and I’m the exeofTheWhoGivesAFuckFamily!

Team Leader aka Giving directions to people who have no fucking interest in following them.

Plumber aka Plunging toliets after a three year old takes a monster dump that requires 7 wet wipes to clean up.

Housekeeper aka Cleaning up after people for the rest. of. my. life.

Chef aka Getting snacks for people 7,382 times a day.

Talent Scout aka Pretending to pay attention to “Look at this!”

Nurse aka Looking at scrapes and assuring them they are not in fact dying.

Security aka Not beating the piss out of your child when she says you have a big butt in a public bathroom.

Personal Assistant aka Lying about the time

Music Director aka Blasting Iron Madien so your children can dance while you can scream into a pillow

Babysitter aka Pretending to lose and/or cheat at go fish

Cow aka Keeping milk in the house, breast or otherwise, for the the past 5 years.

Personal Shopper aka Perusing Facebook “for sale” groups for clothes your children will need in 5 years.

Seamstress aka thinking about learning to sew. Pinning things to sew. Remembering “Oh yeah. I can’t fucking sew.”

Driver aka Taking children somewhere, anywhere on God’s green earth that will tire them out.

Dry Cleaner aka Cleaning up skid marks

Teacher aka Bullshiting your way through an explanation of why ants build ant hills.

Gardener aka Can’t afford a gardener so I have to do it my damn self.

Animal Wrangler aka Hoping I remember to feed and water the animals

Librarian/story teller aka Reading “A Very Hungry Catepillar” through grited teeth.

Coach aka Giving yourself a pep talk about once a day that you have made the right decision in becoming a housewife. Then you take a nap.

“Oh my god I’m having another kid!” Gregg “Opie” Hughes

This blog was created when Opie announced he and his wife Lynsi were pregnant with their first child. On June 29, 2012, Opie announced blurted out they were expecting baby number 2 and very soon! Better yet it is with a girl. Bahahahahaha. Ahh girls.  Vaginas, wedding dresses, tampons, training bras, drama, best friends, prom dresses, nail polish, drama, feminism, body image, perverts, pink, Barbies, and did I mention drama?! In all seriousness, I am so happy for Opie, Lynsi, and Hudson. Nothing brings more joy then adding a new member to the family. I am gonna make this all about me for a minute and hope she is born on my daughter’s birthday. Ahem, August 27, cough cough.

My husband and I didn’t find out the sex of our kids when I was pregnant, and I was terrified of having a girl, which is of course what I ended up with. 2 of ’em. On 2 different days, almost 18 months apart. I was a tomboy growing up, which is part of the reason I was petrified of having girls. I don’t know anything about being girlie! Except maybe what tampons to buy and giving blow jobs, both of which do not help them at really any point in their lives. But you know what? Looking back on it, I have actually forgot what the fuck I was so worried about.

I don’t have a son, so I don’t know about the father-son and mother-son relationship, but from my experience there is nothing like the father-daughter and mother-daughter bond. The moment they wrap their little fingers around your pinky, you feel this overwhelming sense of protection, motivation, and stress. You watch “16 and Pregnant” and see perfectly normal parents becoming grandparents.  You scream at the tv, “They did everything right and this shit still happened?! Fuck!” You constantly pray that skimpy bikinis and shorts that barely cover asses are out of style by the time your girls reaches puberty. You start putting a lot of stress on  yourself to raise a strong, confident woman so they don’t end up at the Compound. But at the same time you want to raise them to keep their femininity and not lose the warmth and caring attitude girls have.

Again, I have 2 daughters (ages 3 and 2) and I think I can offer some poor advice on some of  positives about having girls. I don’t have to deal with piss on the floor, but I will eventually have to deal with bloody tampons, cramps, and PMS. Probably both girls at once. Lovely. I don’t have to deal with little boy boners, but as Kevin from the “The League” says ‘When you have a son, you only have to worry about 1 dick. When you have a daughter, you have to worry about all the dicks.’ Couldn’t have said it better myself. I don’t have to deal with boys pulling on their little pricks and whipping them out in public but digging in vulvas isn’t much better. Or when your 3 year old strips out of her swimming suit and streaks around the swimming pool. Guess who that happened to?! Mortifying.

I guess being a parent is stressful no matter if you have boys or girls. I know first hand little girls are sweet, helpful, nurturing, energetic, creative, and can be total cunts, but they will always be our little girls 🙂

Congrats to Opie and Lynsi on the upcoming birth of their precious daughter. And an additional congrats on this being the first girl on Lynsi’s side of the family since Lynsi. Something to truly celebrate 🙂