Monthly Archive:: August 2013

My kids don’t really nap anymore (insert exhausted sigh here). In order to buy myself an hour of silence (or a nap) we have quiet time. We lay out a blanket on the floor, they grab their blankets, pillow pets, a snack, and watch a movie. They used to be all in with Pixar, but lately they hare more into old school Disney and princesses, as you can see from last year’s Halloween’s costumes. The times I don’t sleep, listen to O and A, do chores, and actually watch the fucking movie, I have come up with some keen and witty observations about the perky, perfect, and profound Cinderella.

But first off, can we talk about what a mind fuck it is for kids these days to see the credits at the BEGINNING of the movie. Every time we watch an old school animated movie I hear “This is the over part!” No dumbshits children, back in what I like to call “the day”, they used to run the credits at the beginning of the film. Why do you ask? I have no fucking clue. So children in 2013 would ask annoy their parents with MORE god damn questions. Anyway, on with Cinderella.

1. Project Runway is a lot less impressive once you see a bunch of mice and birds sewing.

2. Is it just me or do you think Carson Kressley would make a perfect Fairy Godmother in 2013.

3. Who knew Rich Vos’ first film role was as the carriage driver in Cinderella?

4. The evil stepmother, who is a grade A bitch, and is of course my oldest daughter’s favorite.

5. The cutest thing in the god damn world is your 3 year old playing Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo whenever she has anything in her hand that even remotely resembles a wand.

6. Cinderella, the very first version of “The Bachelor.”

7. I think Cinderella was locked in the tower for fucking making clothes for vermin. And not just clothes, fucking shoes also.

8. Apparently Prince Charming’s father is immortal since he comes back to life as Belle’s father in “Beauty and the Beast.”

9. Because of this movie I have a fucking Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo station on Pandora.

10. The women in our family are shoe whores so its no surprise my children love this movie. If only that bitch Cinderellly could keep track of her fucking shoes.

First of all, @momsforopie rules. She started this blog, and provides a lot of great parenting links on twitter that don’t include the pros of breastfeeding, rear facing car seats, and the benefits of an anti-gluten, vegan, anti-lactoseseulose diet.

Secondly, I’m back bitches. (No one cares) I always wanted blogging to be a regular thing but had a rough time starting. Blah blah blah you don’t want to hear my excuses. Look for a new post here every Wednesday when I attempt to be provocative and funny. (No one cares) And if you have a second check out my main blog, The Surly Housewife. (No once cares)

Some housewives like to give themselves cutsy little job titles like mommy, domestic engineer, CEO of the Asshole Family, Household management specialist, Chief Home Executive, and my fav Executive Director of Household Management. I am not excluded from this. My employer on fb is titled as Jason Frey Inc. This is purely for my own amusement, to piss of uber feminists, and to elude to the fact that I’m a whore. I sleep with a man for room and board. Too far? I find myself amusing and that is all that matters. To each his own I guess. Along with the annoyingly cutesy job titles, housewives like to list all the other occupations they perform during the long ass fucking days alone with children. However, my translations of these jobs probably won’t lead to a new line of work any time soon.

Team Leader aka Giving directions to people who have no fucking interest in following them.

Plumber aka Plunging toliets after a three year old takes a monster dump that requires 7 wet wipes to clean up.

Housekeeper aka Cleaning up after people for the rest. of. my. life.

Chef aka Getting snacks for people 7,382 times a day.

Talent Scout aka Pretending to pay attention to “Look at this!”

Nurse aka Looking at scrapes and assuring them they are not in fact dying.

Security aka Not beating the piss out of your child when she says you have a big butt in a public bathroom.

Personal Assistant aka Lying about the time

Music Director aka Blasting Iron Madien so your children can dance while you can scream into a pillow

Babysitter aka Pretending to lose and/or cheat at go fish

Cow aka Keeping milk in the house, breast or otherwise, for the the past 5 years.

Personal Shopper aka Perusing Facebook “for sale” groups for clothes your children will need in 5 years.

Seamstress aka thinking about learning to sew. Pinning things to sew. Remembering “Oh yeah. I can’t fucking sew.”

Driver aka Taking children somewhere, anywhere on God’s green earth that will tire them out.

Dry Cleaner aka Cleaning up skid marks

Teacher aka Bullshiting your way through an explanation of why ants build ant hills.

Gardener aka Can’t afford a gardener so I have to do it my damn self.

Animal Wrangler aka Hoping I remember to feed and water the animals

Librarian/story teller aka Reading “A Very Hungry Catepillar” through grited teeth.

Coach aka Giving yourself a pep talk about once a day that you have made the right decision in becoming a housewife. Then you take a nap.